I have thoughts: May 2024

Every Opinion I've Had for the Last 31 Days

My dad says that “I have thoughts” is what my epitaph will read.

I thought it would be appropriate to name a segment of my email newsletter after it.

Here’s May’s in and out list.

In

1. Hot Wheels

2. lip gloss

3. Post Malone’s strategy for ensuring he’s credited on the Grammys’ Album of the Year next year

4. NPT (non-productive time)

5. Manic Pixie Dream Girl Next Door

6. being worth your weight

7. emporiums

8. Flaming Peach & the Scraping Spoons (band name)

9. Euclid and puzzling and sick burns

10. wearing it every day, sometimes

11. Tupac and Paris Hilton pulling the same stunt

12. Bird’s brief career as a scam artist

13. a Blockbuster Video revival

14. free time

15. Babygirl of the House

16. “duplicative”

17. Shrek, a satirical thought piece

18. cubicles

19. the “off-duty ballerina aesthetic” i invented (think beat-up ballet flats, ankle cinch sweatpants, oversized leather jackets, soft bodysuits, messy-yet-accessorized hair, vintage sunglasses, worn-in makeup w/ fresh lip gloss, attitude of sweaty superiority, iced matcha, leather tote, etc. )

20. Exploring the concept and possibility of being a disappointment 

21. Little Bird migrating back for the spring

22. humming and french 75s

23. a meal on a patio—any will do!

24. nymph hair

25. being my mother’s daughter

26. the kid on instagram reels who watches the lights turn off in stores and cheers when they do

27. my first payout for Hear Ye, Hear Ye!

28. bubble skirts, finally :) 

29. the mayor of slayville

30. my favorite artist’s favorite artist

31. engines

32. oven mitts on the stirrups and Gwenyth Paltrow

33. cicifunfun, the girl on tik tok who ghost-writes raps

34. butter yellow bubble nails

35. unlocking a whimsey i was worried i lost years ago

36. josh allen living in the pit

37. Audi keychains

38. hard-balling

39. napping with an old dog lying on my legs

40. hotel waffles

41. handkerchief hemlines and Hozier and your hands on my waist

42. botanical gardens and an emily’s plus one and a half, and the rush of new beginnings

43. JFK’s only grandson, Jack Schlossberg, the highly educated full-time recreational surfer

44. hot dogs

Out

1. minerals, fossils, & beads

2. Astral projecting for dummies

3. baskets

4. Declassified CIA documents

5. thick skin

6. moving sloppy

7. the chiropractic crisis Jojo Siwa is creating

8. redditt (embarrassed)

9. really wanting to feel like he likes you as a person

10. the tin man

11. gel pedicures because our advisory board asked us to stop

12. sanctimonious soliloquies

13. saving nice heels for special occasions only—wear them out and wear them outtttt

14. having the whole household on your back and also Wegmans’ frosted sugar cookie prices

15. serves to unrefined palettes

16. performatively publicly caring about protecting women and children as part of a rap feud but not acting accordingly in other areas of your life

17. diabolical lies and Harrison Butker

18. going to high school before the invention of a girl’s girl

19. arts

20. hiding in the bathroom

21. the fact that the Bridgerton writers expect us to believe Penelope doesn’t have suitors lined up to spend time with her…she’s stunning and funny?

22. jalopies 

23. the guy at the table next to me at brunch, proclaiming “every job is a job” and loudly revealing he just discovered workers’ rights and labor equity

24. anti-road trip politics

25. Listeriesling—pronounced lysterreyzling—an accidental mix of Listerine and riesling))

26. failing the phishing attempt identification quiz

27. campaigning

28. The Barbie Dreamhouse: FOMO Capital of the World

29. sitting on my couch and writing these lists on my White Bike work laptop. the end of one of the best experiences of my life. bye bikes, thank you for reading these every month. ily tons! onto bigger machinery…

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